Lessons and Observations from this Week

In my last post I mentioned living life to its fullest in the moment and never forgetting to let those you love know that you love them… each and every day. We never know what tomorrow holds and I know the feeling of tomorrow coming too soon and wishing somehow we had acted differently yesterday.

Throughout my life I have always been very shy and always turned inward with my thoughts and feelings. This has made dating throughout my life very painful at times because I cannot or will not open up… and we all know what happens to a relationship when everything is kept inside. The same day my brother ended up in the hospital I got into a conversation with a young woman named Regan and I have shared more with her than I have shared with anyone before. Why? As I have looked back across the week and all the occurrences which have taken place I have discovered the answer… Losing my brother and recently one of my best friends has taught and is teaching me to say what I think when I think it, for that moment may never come again. We do not regret the things we say and mean… but the things we mean and do not say. Another to be completely honest, because when we are sly or only give portions of our thoughts we set ourselves up for failure. Tomorrow may never come so if it is something you feel in the very fibers of your being or simply a passing thought that makes you smile… share it… for you never know what tomorrow holds and today may be all that is left.

Other lessons I have learned about myself this week include the fact that I like to take care of other people and have a very hard time letting people take care of me. I enjoy taking care of them because it has taken the focus off of me and my vulnerability. The reason I have done this in the past was because I have been scared to open up and let others in. From a very young age I have always been independent… very independent. This is a very good thing in many respects but it is hard to be in a relationship and not let them serve you because it does not work. I am only now just realizing this and beginning to work on that. I have also learned that to be taken care of without being ‘expected’ to return the favor is an amazing feeling. Most of my life whenever people need something I serve them and fix whatever problem they have, usually, without even being asked and without expecting anything in return. However whenever I have a problem no one comes to help. No one is there to listen… “you are the strong one… you have it all together… your life is perfect… what could you possibly need from me?” I have heard them all pointed directly at me. What I have learned this week is that I enjoy having someone there to take care of me without expecting anything. I always wondered what it would be like for two people who enjoy serving others more than themselves to get to know each other and serve each other. Until this week I had no idea. It is an amazing feeling.

The power of service is real and in relationships I think it is everything. To be in a relationship not because you feel you forced to be there but because you ‘need’ one another and because you ‘want’ one another. To know and accept someone else into your life to be a companion and mate. The idea behind a companion and a mate is one that expresses the idea of equality… being equally yoked. Perhaps with different tasks or roles for each other yes but pulling along together across all the roads of life. Working together is what I want… I don’t want someone who will only support me in what I want to do, I want a companion who will stretch me to become more just as she expects me to stretch her to become more. Such a relationship would be a powerful force in the world for good and a source of joy, love, and happiness for both individuals involved.

I notice I talk around things a lot when I could get straight to the point. So I will summarize what I have already said as well as some other things I have learned about myself and some of the things I believe and want as of this week:

  • I deal with my emotions in one of two ways: by turning inward to music, poetry, and writing or I deal with my emotions by turning outward and serving others.
  • I have a hard time letting other people take care of me. In fact until recently I can’t remember the last time someone took care of me.
  • I solve people’s problems, even if they don’t ask me to.
  • I believe relationships are the most important things in life.
  • It is important to be content as you are before getting into a relationship.
  • In a relationship it is important to ‘want’ to be together but not feel you have to change to be in the relationship. It is about acceptance and love of each other as you are.
  • Poetry is something I love. I should write more.
  • Music moves me. I should learn more of it.
  • Today is all we have. Tomorrow never comes.
  • Let those you love know it today, every day.
  • Always say what you feel compelled to say. Complete honesty presents fewer problems than does selective nondisclosure. Especially in relationships.
  • In a relationship it should make you smile to hear their voice on the phone. If you get a text from them it should brighten up your day. You can call just to say hello or say I missed your voice today and its their favorite part of the day.
  • I want to be 95 and still madly in love. (this comes from always being involved in the process of discovering your mate… how after a few months or a few years can you expect to completely understand a human being… we are always changing… always growing… always unique.)
  • I want to marry someone I consider to be a Spiritual Goddess on the path of Significance.
  • Fear causes most of the pain in relationships. Share. Be open. It is one of the most attractive qualities – that of being able (even if scary as can be) to make yourself vulnerable.
  • I want to be a Spiritual Giant.
  • It’s the little things that matter… the big things are built upon them. This applies to all things in life… all successes… all failures… all relationships as well.
  • I am a very deep person and enjoy deep conversation.
  • I am also very goofy and find enjoyment in that.
  • Superficial conversation bores me quickly.
  • I do not like to be told what to do last minute and resent it… but if you ask for my help I cannot resist. I love to solve problems.
  • I like to have control when it comes to my emotions.
  • I would much rather have a stellar conversation than do just about anything else.
  • I am scared of my gift and what I feel called to do.
  • My biggest fear is being alone yet it also scares me to be completely vulnerable (which is the opposite of the comfort and control found in loneliness). I am afraid of both and so have bounced around between them for far too long. This week I have decided which one scares me more and which one I am willing to face.

In a recent conversation with a new friend these words came to me in regards to who gets the so called ‘credit’ in a relationship for making it work:

“What credit am I to take for being in your life? For making you smile? Ok. For seeing the real you? Ok. But for you putting yourself out there? You get all the credit for that and I am honored to have seen you… the real you… even from across the heat of the Arizona sand… as a mirage… shimmering in the distance. Still only a dream before me. But with time the shimmering image crystallizes and you stand before me not as I see you… but as you are and as you can be. What a beautiful sight… but you did that. Not me. Had you never left the comfort of the shade I should still be wandering, lost in the desert searching the horizon for the shimmering mirage that would crystallize into reality. You stepped out of the shade and decided that not only would you not stop until you had discovered the makeup of that shimmering mirage (which you have) but until it too had crystallized in front of you. That was your decision and therein lies your power, your beauty, your majesty and grace. Therein lies the Goddess within. It was your decision that led you here today. Just as it was mine which led me here today. And we stand face to face, wondering if we shall see… the shimmering image oh so bright… crystallize in We.”

Certain people bring out different qualities, traits, and conversations from within you. However the credit you take out of a relationship depends on what you put into it. If you put everything into a relationship and so do they… there will never be a lack of energy, passion, drive, desire, love, hope, courage, or life. So who gets the credit? It seems to me to be a result of the previous decisions of those involved and their willingness to be open and honest with one another. So… it is when full credit for holding the relationship together is not taken and both continually add to what is there that a powerful and sustaining relationship is formed.

One thought on “Lessons and Observations from this Week

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s